I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
