i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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