Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
