I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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