I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
