Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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