Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
