just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
