4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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