Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Someone shattered a urinal.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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