i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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