the condom got lost in my hair
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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