I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
