I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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