sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
