dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
sarcasm needs its own font
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
