Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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