She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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