So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Ladies don't puke and tell
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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