i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
