You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
