everyone is single if you try hard enough
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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