remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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