guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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