My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
