bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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