yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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