She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
