I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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