My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Randomize
