Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize