If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
