someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just pynch a tree in the face
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
