I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
her vagine was all disorganized.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
