my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
