turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
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