I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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