Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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