WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
