I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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