Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
