Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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