mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
