I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
