dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
