my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
