When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
