where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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