time to smoke my breakfast
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
