Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
