Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
