I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
