once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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