she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
