I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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