were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
