We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize