Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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