Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
