While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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