You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
