Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
