Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
